


Welcome to my lifes story

by SnowScatter



Category: there is no fandom to this story
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 20:57:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19411270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowScatter/pseuds/SnowScatter
Summary: this is a true story about what is going on in a young teenage girls mind while she struggles with different problems. Her name in this story will be Jayden. Many of you readers might recogize these struggles and I want you to take it seriusly. Also if there's anyone with these problems that will show up maybe this story will help them out. the story will begin in the 7th grade when things really started happening and let's see how this story ends.





	Welcome to my lifes story

dear diary.  
I've decided to try this out now that I'm starting at a new school ok so let's begin this with an intoduction. My name is Jayden Scarfield and I'm a 13 years old girl. I live in a big family with four younger siblings plus my mom and dad, so we are seven in my family. I have two cats, one orange and white and one black and grey. My hobbies is music, I play guitar and I like to sing and dance, I like to draw, I read and write and I play videogames. I'm now starting at a new school in 7th grade and I'm very nervous about getting a new class and I don't know anyone of my new classmates and I am way to shy to talk to them. I've only met them once before cause school doesn't start until tomorrow so I guess I will end this for now. see ya tomorrow after school. 

23rd of august 2016. 

Dear diary.  
Hi it's me again. juat like I thought the first day of school was just awkward and I was nervous all the time, luckily I had my headphones with me so whenever we had break or when we could listen to music in class I took the oppurtunity and listened to some of my many playlists cause it always helped me calm down and just forget about the world outside and I just went to my happy place. there wasn't much more that happened today. Tho when I came home I had my siblings screaming and runing around so like I always do I went straight up to my room closed the door and just do what I felt like doing and the first thing I did wasn't to write here but I sat down by my computer and checked social medias, I looked at youtube and played some online games. Now because I'm a girl I'm not like other girls, I don't dress up much to look good, I don't wear make-up, none of that I don't like so I always stand out. I better go now and we'll see when I write again. 

22nd of august 2017. 

Dear diary.  
It's been awhile and I'm sorry. I've been really busy and the first year in the new school and all just wasn't great, every mornig I woke up tired and was tired all day, I always sat alone and had nobody to talk to couse of you know my shyness. And when I got home I just felt like doing nothing and just lay in my bed, I never did my homework and I started eating less but nobody noticed anything and I was totally okay with it so I never said anything cause It's not that big of a deal. mom says it time for dinner so I will go now. bye... 

21st of august 2018. 

Dear diary...  
This feeling is getting worse and worse, I just want to isolate myself from everyone. never saying a word in school and I've also started getting bad thoughts, I can't ignore them it feels like I'm drowning. it feels like I've fallen down a deep dark hole and when I try to get back up dark creatures pull me back down and holds me there. I'm too scared to tell my family or anyone even tho I know I need help. You have heard the word suicide before right? well I have thoughts about taking my life. I just feel like I don't belong here and that nobody will ever really care about me. I never smile anymore and my arms are hurting from the cuts I've made on them but pain it the only thing I want to feel cause I can't feel anything else. Everytime someone asks me "are you alright?" I always respond with "yeah" but inside I'm screaming 'HELP ME I'M DROWNING!' but they just believe me and turn their backs walking away in the light while I'm stuck in the darkness. Sorry again that this got dark quickly but writing a diary is to let out your feelings so that's what I'm doing. need to go clean up the sink before my family sees the blood... 

15th of june 2019. 

Dear diary.  
Finally my three years of hell is over and I can move on to high school. But still nothing has changed. I still have suicidal thoughts, I've confirmed I have depression and social axiety. I am transgender and I'm asexual, so I've figured out more of what I am but there are still pieces of the puzzle missing and yet to be found. the cuts on my arms never dissapear as a reminder of that I'm jusy worthless and useless in this world. nobody have noticed the truth yet cause everyone is just so blind and can never see the truth. The feeling of drowning and what I feel every day is like: telling myself I'm fine. Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen and It's called hyper vigilance. The persistent feeling of being under threat. And It's not just a feeling though. It's like it's a panic attack. You know, you can't even breathe Like you're drowning. And if you're drowning and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment. But if you choose to not open your mouth, to not let the water in you do it anyway cause It's a reflex. But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in. You have more time, right? Not much time actully. And you think you will then get more time to be rescued, more time to fight your way to the surface but you won't make it cause your far too deep and your all alone there. But the truth is you then just have more time to be in agonizing pain, like your head's exploding. If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it? Then what if it just gets worse huh? What if it's agony now and then...then it's just hell later on. One of my teachers once said just like Winston Churchill once said: If you're going through hell... keep going. But even if I listen to it now it still isn't working much. That's all for now, see you when I have something intresting to say cause I don't feel like writing much of this anymore, might even burn it.


End file.
